July. It is cold.

If there was a swamp nearby, I don’t know if I would swim in it. But if there was a staircase to a better place, I don’t think I would climb it. It would take me away from here. Do I want to stay here? Yep, where else is going to make me, me?

You can feel like you can run up a wall, do a flip, then return, effortlessly. Though try it. First time, you will pretty much break your back. I havent tried, otherwise I would be writing about a broken back. We dont want that.

Scented candles, are fine. They smell good for a while, then they just become overpowering, you forget you have them lit and walk out of the room. Stinky AND dangerous. That is why I don’t buy then, ALL the time. Just on Wednesdays.

Where did we go on the weekend? There was that place we ate, with the wooden cutlery that you placed in the compost on your way out. They had grass skirts.

This wall, it represented something. To the people on either side, it meant different things. One, freedom. The other, oppression.

Washington DC

A Decade

I never knew it would go by this quickly. You tell yourself when you are 5, “wow I am going to be 15 in 10 years!!!”. Then when you are 15, you imagine yourself at 25, and you cannot. Then at 25, you stop thinking about it.

Today marks ten years since my writing in this blog began. And also the day family changed a lot, and this isn’t going to be an entry about sadness and pain. It is about how after ten years, so many can grow, learn and forgive. I never thought it would fly by. But it does, no matter how cliche that sounds.

A lot of the story, is not my own and so I won’t go into details, but I am so proud of where we have all come to. There are moments of sadness or pain, but overall we all get that life is too short and the main thing to do is focus on love. That’s all you need right?

I found this today, written a year after everything happened. My journal, and sometimes you just want to talk to your young self and just smile. They were on the right path.

Ok its my bed back at home in Brixton now. The holiday is over.  I had a very hardcore weekend really, but was a good boy. Im just proud im beyond all the crap that can go on at a club or bar, I can sit back and watch so much and just, don’t understand the craziness around me.  It was a year now, since Mum went. How do I feel? That was a lifetime ago and then also at the same time, last week. I can taste the salt tears in my mouth that ran down my cheek when I went out on the balcony that day, to call Heather, tell her my mum just left. Struggling to breathe, I’m glad I got to cry again today, it means I’m not hiding my feelings. I feel so free in that, I am not what I feared I would be. Every aspect of my life has changed, but I am still Lloyd. I am getting over so much. I realise that because I am becoming more of who I love to be, someone who people can come to and I can support them and help them. When everything happened, I let go of that and did stuff for myself.  I will keep enough room for my own things too, but also part of who I am is listening and encouraging. Like even last night, hearing Jamie’s new boyfriend go on about his fears, after he just claimed he had no fears, I got to challenge him, help him. I know God likes to do that through me, and its where I feel at home.

I can feel the strength in me regaining. But also there is a new aspect of me, I am open to being weak and letting people know I can be, and rely on others for once, in a good way. And also the fear of people finding out horrible things about me, that might change how they see me, its all so, not worth it. So not worth it.

I found out Hadleigh was sick and this instinct clicked into gear of really wanting to look after him. Never had that with a guy, it scared me to be honest, cause I didn’t know that could happen to me, like scared in not a negative way, but more, just reminded there is a lot of hope. Don’t’ know how else to explain it.

But if I am being honest, there is still the thing inside of me, feeling very vulnerable, expressing how I feel or think. The thing inside of me that is like a protection, is the assumption that who I open up to, will go weird on me and close up. Then I am left where I was left so often. And it gets harder if there is a next time, to open up to the next person.

So there are more thoughts.

Normal life in London is back now for 4 weeks, then I fly out home. I am looking forward to it.

Edwin Jones. London, UK. 14/05/06 4:14pm GMT

Reading this nine years later. Man I love that I wrote and keep writing. It is such a rewarding experience.

Happy Mother’s Day.

10 years, since I was 21 and when things changed.

10 years, since I was 21 and when things changed.

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Music Sunday – “Mine” by Pheobe Ryan 

The simple words in this song truly are powerful. Our heart and mind are ours, and ours alone. Whether we stuff up, whether we fall in love or whether we break. Whether we take ourselves to the highest mountain or the lowest valley. We still own it. 

http://youtu.be/2fsdNJAzLuU

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Music Sunday – “Open Hands” by Ingrid Michaelson

This song is beautiful. And I know this exact feeling. Both as the person with the open hand and the one wanting to hold that open hand. So ride and let go.

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Which is the way?

Where do you go when you have about fifty sign posts in front of you? They all say amazing things, they all give you useful information. Some offer a good time, some offer wisdom, some offer mystery and some offer “the right way”. Perhaps throw gum at them, and it will stick to one, then go with it. Perhaps just blindfold yourself, and walk the way you feel. 

It’s been two months since Cal and I called it an end to the chapter. It feels right and the journey we now both take separately will be fruitful. But I feel so so fortunate he is very much in my life still. So a new chapter is brewing and I tread into the new, cold wet sand, and feel every print my feet make. 

Hello. Bring this new story.      

 

One Blade of Grass

That piece of grass didnt get cut. It stands there, above the others. Whether it was the way the mower cut, or the way the grass grew, it stands there, above the others. Whether an ant pushed the blade of grass, so for that instant the others were cut down, it avoided that fate. It stands there, above the others.

How did it become March? (Other than two months going by and it is now March). I feel the blur sometimes fade into my actual face and then I wake up and things move slowly. Usually the ice in the coffee I drink, or the way the bonsai on my desk is always there, shouts at how consistent things can be. Opening the fridge and the familar scent of brocolli says hello.

I just returned from Sydney, and it was simply swell to see some good mates. I stayed with Stew, who is a treasure. And danced with Chem and Dale, two men who I truly cannot do without.Very blessed, not in the cliche way. Cliche is such a cliche word.

The next few months are bloody busy. But that just means that I will be happy.

Here is a photo from Sydney. With good buddy Dale. I did not drink, as I have not for almost 18 months. See you soon people.

Edwin Dale

Music Sunday – “Never Let You Go” by Alex Clare

As soon as I heard the first few bars of this song, I knew I was going to play it over and over. The happiness, the power in it. Enjoy. And sorry, only a lyric video out at moment. Here is hoping he releases a music video.

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The Dry

This time of year, we usual feel quite dry here in Melbourne. There can be hot days, filled with a strong, hot wind. Summer can seem not as great as when you were longing for it 6 months earlier. Fortunately I work by the ocean, and so I get to at least embrace that summer vibe everyday, walking by the water and simply observing all of us soaking in the dry. And then jumping in the wet, even if briefly. St Kilda Seaside.

I guess at the moment, I feel dry. My mind is wanting to express, yet how to do that and where, is such a cliche and boring set of questions. That hot wind is pushing the desire away, taking it somewhere. So I will just shut that up, and keep writing. We should all stop those sorts of feelings. Especially when there is no reason not to talk, not to write, not to just share. You never know who may need to hear it. Or for example, I just started looking around at the detail, capturing and enjoying it. Sipping a bad coffee. Here is 2015.

St Kilda Boards

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“Ta!”

When you are little, one of the first words you are taught, in Australian English anyways, is the word, “Ta”. A simplified version of “thank you”, it is one of the first things parents want to teach their child. To be grateful. Naturally a year or so later, we graduate to the complete expression and the word disappears from our general vocabulary.

But something I have found fascinating, and probably only me who does think this is fascinating, is this word comes back later in life. I could be completely wrong, like when I swore He-Man was based on a real person. I began to note down a theory that a lot of Australian men between the age of about 30 and 45, casually say the word “ta” in everyday conversation.

Here is an example I have scientifically noted down for you:

“Hey mate, can I have a sausage roll please, with sauce.”

“Sure” *gets sausage roll*

“Ta!”

I began to notice this about five years ago and would tell people this. They would go, “Oh ok, cool!”.

Then came the day, only a few months ago, as a newbie to the decade that is the thirties, where I accepted a coffee at the local coffee shop and without thinking…  I said “ta”. I was thankful and now in an Australian male in his 30’s type of way.

Life huh.

 

 

Music Sunday – “Solo Dancing” by Indiana

I may be a little slow on the uptake on this song, though the subtle drive through this song is what I love.

I promise to start writing more again soon. What a year.

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