A Decade

I never knew it would go by this quickly. You tell yourself when you are 5, “wow I am going to be 15 in 10 years!!!”. Then when you are 15, you imagine yourself at 25, and you cannot. Then at 25, you stop thinking about it.

Today marks ten years since my writing in this blog began. And also the day family changed a lot, and this isn’t going to be an entry about sadness and pain. It is about how after ten years, so many can grow, learn and forgive. I never thought it would fly by. But it does, no matter how cliche that sounds.

A lot of the story, is not my own and so I won’t go into details, but I am so proud of where we have all come to. There are moments of sadness or pain, but overall we all get that life is too short and the main thing to do is focus on love. That’s all you need right?

I found this today, written a year after everything happened. My journal, and sometimes you just want to talk to your young self and just smile. They were on the right path.

Ok its my bed back at home in Brixton now. The holiday is over.  I had a very hardcore weekend really, but was a good boy. Im just proud im beyond all the crap that can go on at a club or bar, I can sit back and watch so much and just, don’t understand the craziness around me.  It was a year now, since Mum went. How do I feel? That was a lifetime ago and then also at the same time, last week. I can taste the salt tears in my mouth that ran down my cheek when I went out on the balcony that day, to call Heather, tell her my mum just left. Struggling to breathe, I’m glad I got to cry again today, it means I’m not hiding my feelings. I feel so free in that, I am not what I feared I would be. Every aspect of my life has changed, but I am still Lloyd. I am getting over so much. I realise that because I am becoming more of who I love to be, someone who people can come to and I can support them and help them. When everything happened, I let go of that and did stuff for myself.  I will keep enough room for my own things too, but also part of who I am is listening and encouraging. Like even last night, hearing Jamie’s new boyfriend go on about his fears, after he just claimed he had no fears, I got to challenge him, help him. I know God likes to do that through me, and its where I feel at home.

I can feel the strength in me regaining. But also there is a new aspect of me, I am open to being weak and letting people know I can be, and rely on others for once, in a good way. And also the fear of people finding out horrible things about me, that might change how they see me, its all so, not worth it. So not worth it.

I found out Hadleigh was sick and this instinct clicked into gear of really wanting to look after him. Never had that with a guy, it scared me to be honest, cause I didn’t know that could happen to me, like scared in not a negative way, but more, just reminded there is a lot of hope. Don’t’ know how else to explain it.

But if I am being honest, there is still the thing inside of me, feeling very vulnerable, expressing how I feel or think. The thing inside of me that is like a protection, is the assumption that who I open up to, will go weird on me and close up. Then I am left where I was left so often. And it gets harder if there is a next time, to open up to the next person.

So there are more thoughts.

Normal life in London is back now for 4 weeks, then I fly out home. I am looking forward to it.

Edwin Jones. London, UK. 14/05/06 4:14pm GMT

Reading this nine years later. Man I love that I wrote and keep writing. It is such a rewarding experience.

Happy Mother’s Day.

10 years, since I was 21 and when things changed.

10 years, since I was 21 and when things changed.

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Music Sunday – “Mine” by Pheobe Ryan 

The simple words in this song truly are powerful. Our heart and mind are ours, and ours alone. Whether we stuff up, whether we fall in love or whether we break. Whether we take ourselves to the highest mountain or the lowest valley. We still own it. 

http://youtu.be/2fsdNJAzLuU

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Music Sunday – “Open Hands” by Ingrid Michaelson

This song is beautiful. And I know this exact feeling. Both as the person with the open hand and the one wanting to hold that open hand. So ride and let go.

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Which is the way?

Where do you go when you have about fifty sign posts in front of you? They all say amazing things, they all give you useful information. Some offer a good time, some offer wisdom, some offer mystery and some offer “the right way”. Perhaps throw gum at them, and it will stick to one, then go with it. Perhaps just blindfold yourself, and walk the way you feel. 

It’s been two months since Cal and I called it an end to the chapter. It feels right and the journey we now both take separately will be fruitful. But I feel so so fortunate he is very much in my life still. So a new chapter is brewing and I tread into the new, cold wet sand, and feel every print my feet make. 

Hello. Bring this new story.      

 

One Blade of Grass

That piece of grass didnt get cut. It stands there, above the others. Whether it was the way the mower cut, or the way the grass grew, it stands there, above the others. Whether an ant pushed the blade of grass, so for that instant the others were cut down, it avoided that fate. It stands there, above the others.

How did it become March? (Other than two months going by and it is now March). I feel the blur sometimes fade into my actual face and then I wake up and things move slowly. Usually the ice in the coffee I drink, or the way the bonsai on my desk is always there, shouts at how consistent things can be. Opening the fridge and the familar scent of brocolli says hello.

I just returned from Sydney, and it was simply swell to see some good mates. I stayed with Stew, who is a treasure. And danced with Chem and Dale, two men who I truly cannot do without.Very blessed, not in the cliche way. Cliche is such a cliche word.

The next few months are bloody busy. But that just means that I will be happy.

Here is a photo from Sydney. With good buddy Dale. I did not drink, as I have not for almost 18 months. See you soon people.

Edwin Dale

Music Sunday – “Never Let You Go” by Alex Clare

As soon as I heard the first few bars of this song, I knew I was going to play it over and over. The happiness, the power in it. Enjoy. And sorry, only a lyric video out at moment. Here is hoping he releases a music video.

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The Dry

This time of year, we usual feel quite dry here in Melbourne. There can be hot days, filled with a strong, hot wind. Summer can seem not as great as when you were longing for it 6 months earlier. Fortunately I work by the ocean, and so I get to at least embrace that summer vibe everyday, walking by the water and simply observing all of us soaking in the dry. And then jumping in the wet, even if briefly. St Kilda Seaside.

I guess at the moment, I feel dry. My mind is wanting to express, yet how to do that and where, is such a cliche and boring set of questions. That hot wind is pushing the desire away, taking it somewhere. So I will just shut that up, and keep writing. We should all stop those sorts of feelings. Especially when there is no reason not to talk, not to write, not to just share. You never know who may need to hear it. Or for example, I just started looking around at the detail, capturing and enjoying it. Sipping a bad coffee. Here is 2015.

St Kilda Boards

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“Ta!”

When you are little, one of the first words you are taught, in Australian English anyways, is the word, “Ta”. A simplified version of “thank you”, it is one of the first things parents want to teach their child. To be grateful. Naturally a year or so later, we graduate to the complete expression and the word disappears from our general vocabulary.

But something I have found fascinating, and probably only me who does think this is fascinating, is this word comes back later in life. I could be completely wrong, like when I swore He-Man was based on a real person. I began to note down a theory that a lot of Australian men between the age of about 30 and 45, casually say the word “ta” in everyday conversation.

Here is an example I have scientifically noted down for you:

“Hey mate, can I have a sausage roll please, with sauce.”

“Sure” *gets sausage roll*

“Ta!”

I began to notice this about five years ago and would tell people this. They would go, “Oh ok, cool!”.

Then came the day, only a few months ago, as a newbie to the decade that is the thirties, where I accepted a coffee at the local coffee shop and without thinking…  I said “ta”. I was thankful and now in an Australian male in his 30’s type of way.

Life huh.

 

 

Music Sunday – “Solo Dancing” by Indiana

I may be a little slow on the uptake on this song, though the subtle drive through this song is what I love.

I promise to start writing more again soon. What a year.

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There Once Was a Little Bear

I was searching through my mac for a random word, when up came 100s of emails from my Mail. Then I discovered this, and I have no memory until now, of actually writing this. I wont edit it or change it. But I wrote it based on my own story when I first was coming out. It was titled, “Bedtime Story”.

Bear cub forest

There once was a little bear. He lived in a town a little way from the big city and enjoyed the wild forest around him.

He would go off by himself, and explore, because he felt different from the others. He would fill his mind with many fun adventures.

Pirates and wizards and monsters and space ships. The other bears would make sure he felt different, by always laughing at him or not making friends with him. Though he seemed happy enough and his family loved him.

Though one day, he decided the town was not where he belonged. And packed his bags and walked far far away.

On his journey he met many funny characters. In the woods he met a squirrel. He had never seen one before and found it most curious.

The bear told him he was from a long long way from here and the squirrel asked him many questions. The bear wasn’t used to someone taking so much interest in him, and found it most peculiar.

It was getting dark, so the squirrel had to say goodbye and head home, but the bear didn’t mind. He just smiled. He had made a friend.

Finally the bear got to a great city. It was much bigger than the city that lay by his town at home. He stood in awe at the bustling place. He found some lodging and settled in.

He would venture out every now and then, timidly at first, but then when he noticed people walked by and didn’t look at him, he walked with a slight spring in his step. He soon got courage to talk to people. The other bears would be polite back, and some would make conversation. The bear thought this was great. No one knew him but he was beginning to make friends.

Eventually Bear had many friends, and was constantly hanging out with them. The days of the forest and his imagination dimmed.

Though he had many friends, he still felt alone. Like no one fully understood him. But he didn’t dwell on it much because it wasn’t a feeling he had in words.

One day, he and his friend Rat were having lunch. Rat spoke up and said he knew of a friend once who grew up in a large plain surrounded by mountains.

He gave Bear his address and Bear wrote to him, to say hello. The other bear wrote back, the following day. He told of his life in the plains, and how he moved to the north, away from where he grew up, and the adventures he had gone on.

The letter arrived and Bear smiled as he read it, nodding and understanding all he wrote. He wrote back, and this begun a correspondence, two bears who understood each other.

Many moons past and Bear had finally made his way to the land of the long white cloud. Many adventures had gotten him there, and the next thing that felt right to do, was to travel there, and visit the other Bear finally.

He made his way out of the port and there was the other Bear, grinning. They gave each other a big bear hug and went on many adventures together.

The time came for Bear to leave. He didn’t want to feel alone again, but he had to go. Time wasn’t allowing. But they reminded each other, their lives had had a hole filled in them, that they didn’t think would ever be filled.

No matter what happened, they had a best friend in each other.

The boat sailed, and the last image Bear had of the other bear, was his paw on his heart, smiling. Knowing that the adventures had only just begun.

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