Music Sunday – “Let it all go” by Birdy and Rhodes

Well, I always believe music finds you. And helps you feel what you need to feel right then and there, when you cannot explain it yourself. Beautiful song and beautiful video. 


Plantation Shutters

You walked up to me in the bar. I was alone. Your smile hit me, your light hit me. I barely remember most of the conversation due to my internal dialogue wondering who you were. And before I knew it, you had to go to buy your mates drinks. I didn’t see you again that night, but hoped, due to your admittance you followed me on instagram, I would hear from you again.

Next morning I did. Asked me out on a date. I didn’t know anything about you, but I still felt that light and wanted to see you again.

We met for a cocktail. Bubble tea cocktail. Your energy was there. So was that smile. We lost track of time in our conversations, at one point you were talking to the girl nearby cause her date was going terribly. You leant in and kissed me, and you had me.

Later in the week, I stayed over yours. You had just installed “Plantation Shutters”. They stopped the lights from outside coming into your room. It was peaceful and dark. I felt your arms around me and I fell asleep so soundly.

Every time I stayed over, it became tradition to close the Plantation Shutters. What made them different to normal shutters? Don’t remember. Don’t care. It was just a fun little moment each time.

I met some of your close friends. It was warm. I felt welcome. I felt privileged, as I detected this didn’t happen often. We enjoyed dinners, we enjoyed breakfasts. We swapped stories of growing up, and how we thought. We followed similar paths, and also very different. We had faith, and we had values that complimented each other. You made me laugh. I made you laugh.

I felt you not respond as quickly as you used to. I explained to myself you were a busy man. When it came to two months, I mentioned it had been two months. You were surprised it was two months, then we changed topic. I wanted to know who we were. What were we? I wanted to know.

You said one night, while we sat on your couch, that we needed to talk about us. Yes. We did! Finally. Then your face said it all. This was not going to be a good chat. I heard your doubt. But there was hope. You still wanted me to stay the night. We got into bed, but the Plantation Shutters were open. You didn’t seem concerned, so I left them open. Three hours went by, the bright lights outside kept me awake. I woke up sweating. 2am. I got out of bed, and decided to go home.

A week later, faraway in Asia, you messaged me to answer my question of where you were at in your head. You let me go. You couldn’t give me enough, you said. You had to be honest. I had felt again, and I tried. That is all we can do. You asked me if I wanted to say anything else, I said you already knew.



The moment a cloud covers the sun, and things go darker, it can be instantly hard to remember what it was like when the sun was there. The coolness rushes through, colour is less vivid, light changes. Then the sun comes back again, as fast as it left. Whether it brings with it welcomed warmth or pounding heat.


Those elastic exercise devices frighten me. I have images and scenarios that flash through my mind of the elastic and it’s plastic handle snapping back into my face. So I bought one. It hangs behind my door, allowing no excuse to not exercise. It moves in the breeze from the window, its happy fluro elastic waiting to stretch. Then those images arise again, elastic in the eye. And I walk out the door and go for a run. It helps me exercise.

I walked out of a cafe this morning. This poodle, a large poodle was sitting there in the sun, panting. It immediately looked me up and down, several times. It was judging me. It had to be. And this is another reason I dislike poodles.

Music Sunday – “Walking in the Sun” by PANG!

I simply like this song, as it is the Spring anthem for this year for me. It also reminds me of Toni Childs. You just wanna keep strolling, focussing on the present.

Shame that the music video is so uncreative, including barefoot hipsters walking across the desert the entire clip.


Hands in My Pockets

In 1995, I felt it was very important to start establishing some sense of a music taste. Though growing up in quite the conservative household, I didn’t know where to turn or what was actually cool.

My main music influences included my parent’s old collection of LPs in a cupboard such as “Come On, Ring those Bells” by Evie (which I actually performed an interpretive dance to and made my family watch multiple times, not even at Christmas time). Here is the album cover art, just to set the scene:

Come on ring those bells Evie


Another favourite of mine was Patch the Pirate, a series of cassette tapes that told the stories of a fun Christian Pirate (oxymoron?) called Patch the Pirate. Plenty of jovial tunes and catchy numbers, including, The Friendship Mutiny. I have come across better naratives:


Though a friend of mine, Dan, who was 10 at the time, had a copy of a little album called “Jagged Little Pill”. I knew nothing about it other than it was cool. So I asked him if I could borrow it,to then naturally do what you did back then, copy it to your own cassette tape via a duo cassette player. Ms Alanis was everything that I knew nothing about, Canadian. And angry. Some guy did bad things to her it seemed, but then at same time, she loved him/them.

I played the album constantly and secretly, in my room. I wrote out all the lyrics (well what I thought the Canadian was saying), it was first time I ever did that.  I wanted to ensure that I knew every song, and could pretend to be angry just like her. And Canadian.

Though the one thing missing in the whole thing, her swearing. My friend Dan had taped over every swear word in the entire album (remember when you could tape over the tabs to re-record over the top?). He was a good Christian boy who had been made to tape over the bad bits, and obviously he was really sucky at doing this (in his defence, he was 1o). It allowed about 3-5 seconds of silence in middle of songs, many times. I would have to say it killed the rhythm of the song. It also stuffed up my lyric sheets.

But that began my first proud moment of telling people I liked something hip. And when I mean I told people, mostly my teddy, as he kept secrets.

Now I leave you with this classic video, oh Alanis…




Tagged , , ,

Music Sunday – “Say You Love Me” by Jesse Ware

Ms Jesse Ware, is very much underrated. This song from her current album, is one of the many shiners.

I like the words, its not the usual love blah blah blah. More realistic. Go Jesse.

Tagged ,

Music Sunday – “Tilted” by Christine & the Queens

Tune. The best song for 2015 for me, will be hard to beat. Then the addition of an incredible music video. Her energy and presence is entrancing, she is truly a talent. I thank my good buddy Phil for introducing me to her when I was in Washington DC last week. And this song will go down with full of memories. There is an English version and the original French version, though the French version has the awesome video. Play.



Tagged , ,

July. It is cold.

If there was a swamp nearby, I don’t know if I would swim in it. But if there was a staircase to a better place, I don’t think I would climb it. It would take me away from here. Do I want to stay here? Yep, where else is going to make me, me?

You can feel like you can run up a wall, do a flip, then return, effortlessly. Though try it. First time, you will pretty much break your back. I havent tried, otherwise I would be writing about a broken back. We dont want that.

Scented candles, are fine. They smell good for a while, then they just become overpowering, you forget you have them lit and walk out of the room. Stinky AND dangerous. That is why I don’t buy then, ALL the time. Just on Wednesdays.

Where did we go on the weekend? There was that place we ate, with the wooden cutlery that you placed in the compost on your way out. They had grass skirts.

This wall, it represented something. To the people on either side, it meant different things. One, freedom. The other, oppression.

Washington DC

A Decade

I never knew it would go by this quickly. You tell yourself when you are 5, “wow I am going to be 15 in 10 years!!!”. Then when you are 15, you imagine yourself at 25, and you cannot. Then at 25, you stop thinking about it.

Today marks ten years since my writing in this blog began. And also the day family changed a lot, and this isn’t going to be an entry about sadness and pain. It is about how after ten years, so many can grow, learn and forgive. I never thought it would fly by. But it does, no matter how cliche that sounds.

A lot of the story, is not my own and so I won’t go into details, but I am so proud of where we have all come to. There are moments of sadness or pain, but overall we all get that life is too short and the main thing to do is focus on love. That’s all you need right?

I found this today, written a year after everything happened. My journal, and sometimes you just want to talk to your young self and just smile. They were on the right path.

Ok its my bed back at home in Brixton now. The holiday is over.  I had a very hardcore weekend really, but was a good boy. Im just proud im beyond all the crap that can go on at a club or bar, I can sit back and watch so much and just, don’t understand the craziness around me.  It was a year now, since Mum went. How do I feel? That was a lifetime ago and then also at the same time, last week. I can taste the salt tears in my mouth that ran down my cheek when I went out on the balcony that day, to call Heather, tell her my mum just left. Struggling to breathe, I’m glad I got to cry again today, it means I’m not hiding my feelings. I feel so free in that, I am not what I feared I would be. Every aspect of my life has changed, but I am still Lloyd. I am getting over so much. I realise that because I am becoming more of who I love to be, someone who people can come to and I can support them and help them. When everything happened, I let go of that and did stuff for myself.  I will keep enough room for my own things too, but also part of who I am is listening and encouraging. Like even last night, hearing Jamie’s new boyfriend go on about his fears, after he just claimed he had no fears, I got to challenge him, help him. I know God likes to do that through me, and its where I feel at home.

I can feel the strength in me regaining. But also there is a new aspect of me, I am open to being weak and letting people know I can be, and rely on others for once, in a good way. And also the fear of people finding out horrible things about me, that might change how they see me, its all so, not worth it. So not worth it.

I found out Hadleigh was sick and this instinct clicked into gear of really wanting to look after him. Never had that with a guy, it scared me to be honest, cause I didn’t know that could happen to me, like scared in not a negative way, but more, just reminded there is a lot of hope. Don’t’ know how else to explain it.

But if I am being honest, there is still the thing inside of me, feeling very vulnerable, expressing how I feel or think. The thing inside of me that is like a protection, is the assumption that who I open up to, will go weird on me and close up. Then I am left where I was left so often. And it gets harder if there is a next time, to open up to the next person.

So there are more thoughts.

Normal life in London is back now for 4 weeks, then I fly out home. I am looking forward to it.

Edwin Jones. London, UK. 14/05/06 4:14pm GMT

Reading this nine years later. Man I love that I wrote and keep writing. It is such a rewarding experience.

Happy Mother’s Day.

10 years, since I was 21 and when things changed.

10 years, since I was 21 and when things changed.

Tagged , ,

Music Sunday – “Mine” by Pheobe Ryan 

The simple words in this song truly are powerful. Our heart and mind are ours, and ours alone. Whether we stuff up, whether we fall in love or whether we break. Whether we take ourselves to the highest mountain or the lowest valley. We still own it.

Tagged , ,

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,096 other followers