Edwin Jones

“If I could be anything other than what I am, I’d want it tomorrow.

If I could be what my father wants me to be,

maybe I could stay for that too.

If I could be what you want me to be,

I’d want to stay.

But I am what I am,

and all I want is freedom.”

–

John Barton“Looking for Alibrandi”

This quote has always hit me hard. From one of my favourite films, a deeply tough part of the protagonist’s story line. It reminds me to never be who others want you to be. But to continually seek our who you want to be, for yourself, so you can then be much more for others. And I now sound like I am writing an essay for school.

That in itself, is a never ending journey. Full of mostly frustration, when you look on the outside, down at yourself. Craving to express, to be heard. To be understood. And then you wake up when you no longer are scared and push out. Let people know how much you like muffins, or the sky at 4pm. Pull a face at a stranger so they smile.

You know the saying, “Make your weaknesses, your strengths”?

No?

Yes?

I was told that when I was not good at kicking a ball. How I could make it a strength was something I never really could work out. Thanks wise teacher.

An old man also said it to a bank teller in the bank one day, I was listening in. Mainly cause I was trying to avoid the creepy stranger behind me who was standing just a bit too close to me. I could smell his strawberry mints. The old man was giving this advice to the bank teller. Who nodded politely.
No idea why he said it, but I guess I thought about it and applied it to myself, sub-consciously. I did not go write it down, but I guess I am now.

If I tell myself, go to the gym at 6am. I pack my gym bag, sit it in the hallway all ready, even have my socks laid out individually ready for me to slip on.This will not convince me to go to the gym when my alarm goes off at 5:45am. So what does?

Growing up in a religious family has caused me to have a sense of “the fear of disappointing”. Whether that be from a school teacher, my parents, the fruit shop guy or God. The religious aspect mainly coming down to falling to letting God down. And you could do that, by disappointing anyone else in your life. Not being good, or good enough.

The worst phrase that you can throw at someone in my mind is “I am disappointed” and people throw it in wherever they choose. Especially in a work environment. Emotional blackmail, burrowing into the child within.

Then there is the more important, disappointing yourself. If I dont go to the gym, I am just going to disappoint myself, no one else. It is a weakness of mine, which I do shake off these days. I can also only do the opposite of disappoint, which is achievement. Remind myself of the good. That works better.

So you are asking yourself, or probably not, “where can I buy cheap dog food?” Cause the above made no sense.

I am only using the word ‘dappled’ cause I like it. And it makes me instantly think of sunshine gently seeping through bright, soft, green leaves, that have just stretched out into the breeze. Dappled light. And it is summer. And I have not spoken on here since Spring.

I no longer have a job, and I am on a hiatus I guess. Enjoying the time, which feels so wide and ever present, but then so brisk. Struggling to catch up, I tell myself I need to plan, need to make use of time. Then I try and remember Christmas, two weeks ago. And I do, and it was outside in the bush, with family and warmth. Then a stroll by the beach, where a dog said hello.

It is still sinking in, saying goodbye to my work family, and the unique and lucky ride I had there. But things will be OK.

The next few months are important. And a gift.

From here, I can trace the path in the distance, my finger carefully moving along where my feet will walk. If I walk that far. My mind has wandered there. I could look further in the distance to where I could now, I could look back to where I came from, to the point I stood now.

The figure, walking along in their red jacket, is wandering there. They can trace their finger along to where I am standing right now. They could imagine what it is like for the guy in the grey coat. The same coolness, the same sea beside both of us. If they walk this far.

I turn around and walk the other way. Back inside, out of the wind and rain. And the ants continue to stay underground. They asked to be mentioned.