Towel

I am laying on my big beach towel, on a Monday morning, while the world around me dries from a downpour. No one is around, I hear the sound of the waves talking to each other and the breeze licks my bed hair. I walked down to my favorite beach while listening to music that I have “liked” on Spotify. It’s a vast and varied collection, some I don’t remember adding and I skip past and others that flood my brain with memories.

I would spend hours as a kid, sitting on the end of my bed, with the CD insert booklet well worn in my hand. I’d be playing the whole album, and mouthing or singing the words of every song, tracing with my finger the lyrics in the booklet. I imagined the visuals of the video I would make, I would imagine the moves to the music. I’d imagine who would be in it. I’d chuckle at the imagery and the silliness of the music video I’d made completely inside my head.

Then without warning, the fear would boom over me like a giant wave over a little stone on the beach. Completely covered and wet with fear. Rolling around in shame. The idea would wash away as fast as it came to me. My ideas were not good enough. You deserve to be forever punished for how pathetic you are. Everyone will laugh at your ideas, even worse, no one will even notice them. God loves you but also hates who you are. So without him, you won’t be carried anywhere.

I’d drop the CD booklet on the floor. The music kept playing and I’d just roll over and close my eyes. The people who were in the sunlight, creating the impossible, were already doing it through my speakers. And I was in my bedroom, a kid losing the light.

I had no idea, if I zoomed out, looking down on suburbs and cities and countries, so many kids were losing the light. So many were feeling alone. And we went through that, so we knew what light was. And knew what darkness was. So we can now share the spark, reach out and find those in the dark. The light was always with us, and we need to share it far and wide.

So I lay on this towel, on a beach by myself, the sun on my skin. And I pick up my words and send them out. Your idea is wonderful. Hold onto it, share them and those who have the light will hold you high.

2 comments

  1. Didn’t know what to expect when I clicked on this article, but boy did I feel the emotions. Great work capturing the doubt and fear we all face from time to time, and here’s to overcoming them each time!

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