I was asked today, if I did not grow up being told I was a sinner everyday, who would I be? I sat there being kinda cynical and thought, well I would be someone else, not me. He pushed further with the question and asked me again, “if you were not told countless times that who you were was someone who constantly did the wrong thing, who would you be?”
I didn’t know what to say. I instantly felt defensive and unsure. Stumped as such. The concept of not feeling that weight and constriction was so far away from me as a rainbow is, always moving further away if you step closer to it.
I fell into a well of thought, no bucket to bring me back up straight away, but the coolness of what that would be like, deep and dark and endless of what the possibilities of who I could be if I did not grow up that way. But then, I was reminded, I still can be all that, whether I was told that or not.
But also just want to make it clear, growing up was not a painful experience constantly. Hey it is sure, but I had such a loving and warm home. I think it can be easy to either blanket it with one coloured blanket. Multicoloured blankets are a bit more souvenir shop like and complicated. IKEA blankets that are one colour and cheap, are easy. What?
I think I had one of the best first dates of my life tonight.
I fell asleep for a nap today, set my alarm and everything, even though I am anti-nap. But I was sleepy and it was day one of four days off, so I felt the luxury was welcomed. Just like eating cheesecake even though it is pretty disgusting but if you are at wedding reception and there is no option, you will eat it. Well, I do, you may not. So yeah, nap nap nap, then I hear a distant buzzing sound. It is my phone, I look across and its 6pm. What?? I set myself a 20 minute nap at 4pm! And my drinks were at 5:30pm. Shit shit shit… I slid the touch screen to answer, “Hey, shit shit shit”. Stressed me out on two levels, I hate the feeling after waking up from a nap as you have no idea what country or time zone or dimension you are in. It may be that you are 11 again and its time to wake up for school, or you may be 55 and thought you were dreaming of when you were 27 and now you are back awake again and its mexico outside and slightly chilly. The second reason it stressed me out is that I am an on time person. This situation happened to be a date also, and the good old saying “First impressions… something or other” may could well have applied. Though thankfully, I dont think it did and it will be a story. For whatever reason, like those moments, they are stories of your life. That will be brought up, at a dinner or drinks with mates at age 37 where you go, “So I accidentally stood up a date when I napped a tad too long cause iPhone technology sucked back in 2011, and I set my alarm for 4:30am, not pm”. And my mate Barry (cause Barry is a brilliant Australian name and I aim to find a friend who has this name) will go, “Oh Lloyd, thats a funny story, it made me chuckle and relate to a time I had a nap and left the fridge running with a child inside”. I didnt say anything about whether Barry was sane or insane.
I like to ride my bike, and I shall express this thought, soon.