Category Archives: development

The silent gaps

When I see that I havent actually written for almost a month, I wonder what that time was. Where I didnt feel like I had anything I wanted to visually see on the screen from my mind. Was it just a silent gap in time or did things occur, did memories lock in place yet the need to express them was not arising. I went to Sydney, saw family and also was reminded why I moved to Melbourne. The city flows with my mind, Sydney does not.

Yet I am not where I want to be. I was at a dinner last night with my friends from Tutankhamun Exhibition and one of them kept asking me what was wrong. If I had been honest and not just said, “No no I am fine, I think you are asking because I have longer hair now, it makes me look moody”, I would have actually said what I thought today. Being around the gang that made my experience last year simply memorable, unforgettable etc and all that stuff, really highlighted that where I am now is like standing on a crust that will crumble soon. Will sink below and not satisfy that need to have purpose. Sure I have my own thin lines of creativity under my arms, sometimes not as strong and supportive yet it keeps me going, I follow these lines forward so I can keep looking. The romantic in me will always see that watercolour image of life to come.

I really like to tell stories. Even just for someone to feel a drop of the essence a story can bring to my own thoughts, makes me happy.

I went down and visited my grandparents last week. My grandfather, who we call Pop, has been quite unwell and recently we began corresponding to each other with letters. I wasnt aware how much this would mean to him and also how much it would mean to myself. the physical action of writing a letter these days is actually painful in the hand these days, slightly concerning as I dont know how I used to write essays, my hand cramped up the other day after a paragraph. The times, they are a-changing. So getting to catch up with Pop the other day was great. I am convinced my Nan and him could be in their own sitcom. I say that then wonder whether it would just be a great sitcom in MY head. Tune in and laugh for half an hour at their banter that sums up my view of a very Australian older generation conversation. Here are a few snippets, yet do not expect to laugh as it may be one of those awkward times where someone is retelling a funny story and the moment comes where the storyteller and the listener realise it isnt funny.

Me: Pop I am vegetarian now.

Nan and Pop together: “Ohh…..”

(silence)

Pop: What does a veejan put on a bread roll then, chicken?

OK I am cringing now, flicking through my mind at other quotes, it really will remain a sitcom for just my mind.

Onto other important things, a screenshot from my facebook, can anyone see why I chuckled? It can be a challenge: 

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Bicycle Arms

I was walking down beside the river yesterday when I imagined that my bicycle had arms. As in arms protruding out of the handlebars. And they waved to people and if you fell over, they would shelter the fall. And if you were cycling next to someone, the hands on the bike next to you could either shake with yours or if it is a loved one’s bike, hold hands. It keeps you focussed on the task at hand of riding to your destination, you know? I have had a few paths on which to write recently, a few that could make a novel. With words and pages, and sentences. I would number the pages and then add a title. I may even have chapters with chapter headings that represent the next part of the novel, or they could be totally random inspirational quotes from past wisdom. A plot and characters would be added if the editor required, I am flexible.

I never want a job where people are demanding of me yet whatever you do for them, isn’t good enough. Or one tiny mistake is highlighted as opposed to the many tasks that were done so well. And I have that gut feeling that I am falling into that again. When I say again, yes I have had a job like that before. Whether I am just expecting others to be understanding and laid back, or maybe just human. I am talking in a sweeping way and it isn’t as simple as that I know. I just don’t think there is time in life to have that attitude. Keep it in perspective. Cal has been away for two weeks and gets home in a few days. As always the spray N wipe lady starts singing her song. This may sound odd to most of you, so I will simply let the following video explain what on earth I mean:

But in all seriousness, it sucks when he is away. He has become my best friend and the best support. Always laughing together, challenging each other and being total goons together. I read back on some posts in the past and just interesting where my head is at, at the time. And hey who knows where it will be in a few years time.

Ah crap, mums are starting to arrive at the café, their prams filling up any walking space. Probably my cue to shut the laptop and exchange money for my time here then leave. There are enough leggings in this place to be in an Olivia Newton John video clip. And I cannot believe I just used that as an analogy. Was that the proper use of the word analogy? Leave me with it, I may find out.

Couches and Commitment

Walking down the street you just know you are walking on the ghosts of cobblestones. The fog was literally rolling through and the air was quiet. A small child walked out down his driveway carrying his dad’s fishing rod and placed it beside the car. The street was wide and bordered by big trees all the way down. I had left the museum behind and walked down looking at each building. And each building had obvious signs of being older than the standard house where I grew up. I spent the weekend in Beechworth, a beautiful old Aussie town that used to be one of the capitals of the Gold Rush in the 1800’s. Also home to the infamous Ned Kelly gang. I stood in the courthouse in the accused box (or whatever it is called) where Ned was sentenced to death. I just find it amazing that it is all still there, history to us in Australia is so fascinating as we are so young as a country. So even if something is from 1860, it is OLD. Like, wow how come it hasn’t disintegrated or been sold at a garage sale accidentally?

The weekend there was literally a breath of fresh air, to just reassess. I decided over that weekend that one of my jobs was not fitting in. So I took a deep breath and let it go. Life is too short.

On the weekend, I also caved and decided to do one of those “Ye olde photos”. It was actually quite amusing and the lady taking them I am pretty sure only bought the photo printer and camera a few days earlier. Bless her for being such an entrepreneur on top of her antique store. She charged enough…  In the end the end result was this photo. Pretty sure this is serious face. The metal armour I had on isn’t even in the shot, so I believe it was there to help get me in the zone. It worked.

My friend Marissa and I were chatting and she is putting off buying a couch. She believes that it is one of the major steps to becoming an adult. As it is so permanent and bulky. It is bigger than getting married. These are some of the truths about couches. That and the simple reality that all couches end up on a street corner, you kinda hope all marriages do not. I then walked home from this discussion about couches to find one sitting outside my apartment block. Oh the Universe. What does this mean?? That no one wants this commitment of a couch anymore? Or did they simply upgrade to one that is feather filled? I inspected it and it wasn’t even that soiled. OK nope I cannot get it up the stairs, I am an adult and cannot take in 2nd hand couches anymore. Not even out of pity, along with the fact that I would be asked to remove the couch from the apartment later in the week. Pretty sure only two cats have slept on it since being in the street. But ahh well. At least I have a 2 cat standard, I wouldn’t take this one:

 

 

 

 

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That tickle |~|

I look here and go, a month and 4 days since I posted. Shall ye discourage yourself? Yeah probably, as those voices inside who say nope writing is too hard as it takes a lot of energy to write more than just what type of lamp or salad dressing I like. The rust inside covers up the ideas and thoughts. The feelings and the memories of anything that you wish to express. Whether it is for the whole world to hear or simply to see the words you felt, in front of you. Making it more real or validating the point that you have been mulling over.

It is an exercise, literally, you are twisting, stretching the mind to make it feel. Make it push out the words that you truly want to express. I find that I can have some of the most amazing jobs and when people ask what I do, I can go “well I do this cool job” or, “I get to do this really hilarious and non work sounding work!” but then when you lay awake at night, restlessness is still there. That gentle breeze that nudges you inside, makes that single thread tickle you. Tells you that you aren’t doing what you should be, what your soul wants to do. What your gut consistently tells you to do. Writing the words can be as hard as sticking your finger down your throat, yet you know once you do it, you will vomit out something. Verbal vomit can be a simple chore or it can make someone think at least. Whether that someone be one person or one group of people. A pod of people, a gaggle of guys, a hood of hobos. Even the hobos can be inspired, even the common vomit can be called a puddle of colour.

The words can hop, skip, stagger or fall but at least they move. When they are stagnant and not going anywhere, then that little tickle is felt. And your world pours in so many other sensations, to block out the little itch. Yet no matter how big or fun or stimulating these other feelings are, the reality is, the tickle will never go away unless you speak.

Edwin Jones. 18th June 2012.

Rats own teddy’s too

I do not usually talk about the gym, but you know I do not usually lead into a story by saying I do not usually talk about the gym. So pretty much I have a unique intro as it is. But I will continue with my story/observation, whatever you want to classify it as. I know you as the reader always want to classify these posts. I began my routine that my personal trainer* ran me through a few months ago, squats. I had to wait a little bit to use the machine as girl in her early 20’s was using the Smith Machine. This is a machine named after a guy/girl/person with the name Smith. While I waited I ran on the treadmill. She moved on so I did my squats on the Smith Machine, as stated. When I finished I moved onto the next exercise yet the girl was on this, taking her time.

New paragraph, so I can vent about that I chose a 24 hour gym and go at 10pm at night so I do not have to wait for equipment. Cause it is plain awkward to just stand there watching them and waiting. You have a routine and you cannot just do something else. Well you probably can but I am a tad OCD when it comes to routines at the gym, along with making sure my alarm clock is set four times, and I cannot have sand in my food. Back to the girl (why am I calling her a girl when she is in her 20’s?) and she moved on again and so I did my thing on the machine that has no memorable name. I looked ahead and yes, the girl was on the machine I wanted to do next. This was no fluke surely… My personal trainer* then walked past and she waved. AHUH!! He did the same routine with her!! I then looked back at the equipment behind me and a guy was doing the same unique exercise at the machine I was just on. He then nodded to my personal trainer*. All three of us were totally different body types and ages, is this something that should be happening? I then realised all nine people in the gym knew and had trained with my personal trainer*.

I find I am having the same unrealistic debates with Cal as I had with my Dad when I was seven. Do not kills the rats/mice in our place as they are nice things. I blame children’s literature for personifying objects/animals/weather and exploiting kids with wild imaginations, they have no idea how much it will affect them their whole lives. Because pretty much everything, even when I am 28, has a soul and a personality. So the rats who are trying to eat through our glass door to get into the house, have to get home before sunrise to help their kids with their homework, have to decide what mother’s day card to buy (Happy Mother’s Day Mum) and some rats have an opinion that painted toenails look shit on most people, including men. Therefore I somehow request Cal to not put rat bait out, to deter/kill the rats. Cal kinda just sighs and secretly does it and I secretly pretend to not know he does it and if the rats disappear, it is because rental prices have gone up in Richmond and they headed to Swan Hill.

Rats have teddys too. Just saying.

And in other news, I lost a bet as I went for the Sydney Swans at the footy, and my mate Dale went for Richmond and Richmond won. Losing the bet meant I have to post Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston status updates for the next week. I am struggling already and it is only Monday. See below for my sad face:

Sydney will win next time and Dale will have to post Christian rock band lyrics for a week. My post today was:

“Placed so much joy into our hands
What we dreamed
We finally captured
Heaven took command”

This is concerning as I sound like someone on Facebook who is being cryptic and wanting attention.

*Friendly fella who has a passion for fitness but unsure if he is right for me. Just saying.

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Constructive

So things seem to go upside down and then become a lot more constructive. Then they go back to being that upside down thing again.

About a month since my last blog.. surely not!! I totally lose track of time and forget this exists. Mainly cause I have a fear of writing and something good not coming out. Or laziness.. Or forgetfulness but this has already been mentioned.

So.. update.

Work: Going fine, been there 6 weeks now. I get along with pretty much everyone and some of them are brilliant. Even. We shall see how I go with my chat once my trial is finished in begining of November but all should be fine. Some of the producers have even offered to show me what they know etc.

Feelings: Well, hey does anyone really care? We all got them.. I miss Neal quite often. I freak out and panic, wondering what the hell am I doing? I had an amazing guy, who shared himself with me. The safety and security and the love I had. Now its me and some unreliable thing called me. Though I am reminded by friends/Neal that this is for the best right now.

I read this book called “The Shack” by William Young. About a man’s experience with God one weekend. It was really quite challenging. My past seems to be more up front and not as bitter, with the knowledge that if there is a God, he isnt one to throw lightning at me, but one to give me a hand.

I had lunch with an old friend today, who asked me why dont I write more, or why dont I do the things I love more? My answer: Because so many people already do this, too much competition. Well I got told off instantly for that answer. He is an opera singer, and said, “Lloyd other people sing, yet I do it. Dont make this about other people”. Shut down! Pretty bloody true.

So here I am writing blogs again, that I have NO idea if anyone reads apart from a few nice friends who comment sometimes. Well hey, the purpose like I have said before is anything but to have a massive following, but for me to get into habits of writing.

Oh fun story. .well not heaps fun. I was trying to find some gum in my pocket, tripped on the entrance to a car rental place, and slashed my foot open cause my thong (flip flop, not the underwear) fell off at the same time. So I got an injured foot. I wont post an image cause this is not the type of blog to explore such species as that.

I am boring, I dont have much to put up photo wise. So lets… all… see…… a music video I made with my best buddy Heather a few months ago.

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

Raining… and a date.


Ok so it is raining once again today. It is meant to be almost summer and we are having 16 degree days and pouring rain. I am rather better off in London! Hey funny that, I am there in 2 weeks!

Neal took me on a date last night. I like the concept of a couple going on dates still. It was such a great night, sitting and just talking for ages. And a good bottle of red wine. I swear I am still such a light weight. Good thing Neal drove!

We talked about so many things, one of the topics being how we differ in different ways. I can be such a flirt and its been programmed into me for so long, to be able to flirt with whoever I want. But now I am in a relationship, it is a new thing for me to stick with one person. That might sound odd, don’t get me wrong, I Love Neal. Love being with him and its such an adventure for me and couldn’t ask for a better guy. I just mean, it is taking me a while to get used to it. I am actually really liking it. Someone finally managed to tie me down.

And now we are going in for the big test… a 6 week overseas holiday together. I am sure there will be hard parts but I am looking forward to the challenge. Am I naive? Hm.. bring it on.

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