I am going to simply start sharing some of the pieces I keep hidden. Have no envy, have no fear. Never be scared of writing, especially what is real or relevant. It may help someone.
The familiar sound of the wind chimes gently lapped outside. The sleepy branch that Dad hadn’t cut, scraped against the roof.
Though to him, the noises were silent. Long ago they became part of the blanket that was normality. He lay there, the ceiling a dim blue in the darkness, the bed sheets dead on his body, stifling him. The darkness bled into his eyes, which glistened with pain.
He shut his eyes, and his mind screamed. Butting out against the shadows that night brought. He wasn’t sure what was better. The world inside or the reality that touched his skin, echoed in his ears, rubbed against his eyeballs. The reality that told him who he was. It ruled that throne over him, the screaming inside, an empty voice.
He rolled over and the tear fled into a muffled pillow.
“God, your hand created me. You died for me Jesus. You preferred to die for me than live without me. I thank you for that.
“I had such a nice day today, I finished my kaleidoscope in class, and played soccer at lunch time. Ben kicked the ball with so much force, his shoe came off! Everyone laughed but then we got told off for teasing him. Thanks for the friends I have made. Thanks that I wasn’t teased today. Thankyou for dying on the cross for my sins, and loving me, when I never deserve it.”
He opened his eyes. In the black, he could just make out his poster of two puppies on the wall, a present from his best mate. He glanced at it, looking through it. A shout within, though only a sniff exited, another wet blot disappearing into the darkness.
“Please forgive me Lord for the lies I have made. For the wrong and sinful thoughts I have thought, and the wrong and sinful things I have done and said.
I pray that Jess’s back gets better and that we have a good time on Saturday down at the picnic. Please keep us safe. Thankyou for this world you gave us. Help me to love you better and think about you more.”
His eyes opened again letting out another breath.
The ache, inside. How could he express it? How could he make it just disappear? Squeeze his eyes tighter?
He tossed onto his other side. Why could he never mention what really went on in his head? Not even to someone who already knew. God knew everything.
It grew a little darker as he closed his eyes but then the usual colourful confusion entered.
The branch outside was happy talking to itself, Morse code to the unknown.
“Rud, rud rud” came the only sound.
The branch outside oblivious to his plea.
He faced the puppy again. The laminated poster gleamed on the edges from a distant street light.
“I will try everyday, even if I have to begin from the beginning again, and again. I will try God. I will. I am so so sorry. Please forgive me. I wont think about IT again. Please just help me, cause you can do anything, you’re the all powerful God”
He moved his foot to a new cool spot under the comfort of the sheet.
“I ask all of this, in your name. Amen”
The ceiling above him appeared again. A sniff, the only sound exiting once again,
Shadows throughout the room gave way to any imagination’s interpretation.
The shapes around the room were allowed to be anything they wanted to be, the light had left for the night. But God was light, so he must be too.
The shadows around accompanied him as he let himself drift off, tired of another night. The beat of the branch and the wind chime, his only comfort.