Unsure why I just made the title, Bruise. Maybe that constant feeling, watching the colours change inside myself. The purples, the greens, the yellows through the thin layers of skin that my soul often feels. Bruises heal. We continue to show different colours. These colours reflect what the day, the month, and the year bring.

Another year around the sun. I am 41. Visually looking at that number, makes me want to go to 42. I am a numbers guy (not in the good at maths way) and I consider milestones. And 41 feels uneven. Yet so is the table, I am trying to write on.

20 years since my 21st. I stood on my front porch with my birthday cake. Family gave tender speeches. Meanwhile, people huddled in the car port around open fires. I remember crying, overwhelmed with gratitude as my life began to spill apart.

1 year since I was 40. Where Taiwan introduced me to the new decade. And I finished the day in Bangkok. And finished the year back in Melbourne.

Its been 6 years since the concept of trust broke away completely. And I cement a new grain of sand each day, to believe I maybe will have someone beside me again. In a new and full way. And until then, I know each day I do not need that.

Several dates are occurring around me in this cafe. Its fun to see if its a first one, or second. Not a third. One is a friend date. They talk of their girlfriends, yet also know nothing about each other. They ask the basics like “when did you move to Melbourne” and “what do you do for work.” Or maybe not a friend date? On another table, they are learning if they can manage silence together, one buttering their toast way too slow.

I am going to close this laptop, as my coffee is cold and people start to queue for tables. I will find my cat Keith in a little mound in my blankets. I will continue to hear the rain outside. Autumn is giving us a show today, and it gives us permission to nest.