Bells Beach. I am so warm.

I feel that in my life, every relationship I have had, I feel either they owe me something or I owe them something, for the hurt they or myself caused. Is this true for everyone? My first serious relationship, I hurt her a lot and I think I felt I always had to owe her something for what I did. And maybe I still do feel like that. Then my first relationship with a guy, who I knew I loved, he hurt me, and ever since I feel he owes me. Maybe it is that feeling of, you need to give me that part of my heart back. I think about those I have hurt and I search out inside of me, what can I do to make amends. Is that the Christian in me? The way I was brought up? I am thinking I need to accept people hurt people, and vice versa. And evil intentions were never at work, and people mend. I feel I mend, but sometimes reintroduce that feeling of, I need to fill in that pain I caused. But I cant do that, it is not how it works. I dont wanna be one of those bitter angry gay men in their 40s who snap at people behind him at a concert who are “talking too loud”.

And I find I am in a pattern. Arent we told we get into patterns? And that creates no expectations… Once again I face a situation I have been in before. The point here is not to spell out the specifics, but it makes us analyse ourselves, hey, at least I am consistent! Living for the moment is magical, but when the realism side of me kicks in, it kicks that magic in the gut.

I looked across the tram carriage tonight, 95% people stared at their phones. I shook my head at how we are such a head down, immersed in our own worlds with technology. Then glanced down, I had a blackberry and an iPhone in my hand. Hypocrite. Blackberry is for work, iPhone is totally for my social life. Phew, glad we got that cleared up.

That photo frame still sits there, nothing in it yet. There are plenty of photos I could pull out in my boxes in the other room, but I just have no desire.

When Patrick is on the phone he doodles a lot, and mainly sketches eye glasses. Bad ones.

I bought more bubblegum balls for my bubblegum ball machine. My Pop gave it to me when I was 10. You have to put money in, but only small coins, bigger coins do not fit. Though if ants wanted to get inside without paying, they could.



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