So, Neal and I woke up this morning, pouring rain outside. Massive contrast to the summer day we had yesterday. But it was to reflect the day to come.
We got into a discussion about how I feel always like I let Neal down. Neal disagreed but I believe I dont ever give back to him what he gives me. This has been a long standing discussion. I shut down and dont know how to express what is going on inside. I dont know why I am the way I am so often, I snap at him and get irritated with him after a while. I also feel so unblanced in general. I dont know who I am or where I am so often. And I just stared at him, unsure and lost. He held me, as I started crying, and after a while said, he would do what I couldnt do, even if he really didnt want to. Leave. So He went upstairs, and got his stuff. I stood downstairs sobbing, scared and shaking. Felt so weak at that moment. Neal went and got my headphones out of the car I had left, and came back to me, just inside from the rain and hugged me. I told him he had done so many beautiful things for me, and knew how much he cared for me. That I loved him and really want to sort out where I am at. He told me to call him if I ever work that out. He gave me a quick short kiss and said, “Goodbye Lloyd” and got back in his car and drove off. Between me and the car, the past 18 months of memories flashed before my eyes. Our overseas trip, our first date, the stupid games we used to play, the hours and hours of times where we sat in peaceful silence. I was sobbing, wondering what on earth just happened. Part of me kept saying, no this is what is best right now. I wondered inside and let out the biggest sobs and just gasps of pain. It felt so so good, I never get to cry, and I was so sad. He is amazing. I believe in him and who he is. But it broke my heart, the way I couldnt give him what he deserved. Maybe I can one day. I don’t know. But I need to be single, and just work on more being me. Reuniting the old me and the new me. I know Neal will probably read this, and it upsets me to write all this, and am sure it will upset him to read all this.
I text Heather saying we were over. She was quite shocked and drove over straight away. She just sat there with me, and listened. She has always been good like that, never telling me what to do but respecting whatever I thought I needed to do. She came with Andy, Jo and I to see my neice for the final time before she flew home. I held her in my arms, she was cuddled into my chest and shoulder, looking happy and asleep. Sucking on her hand every now and then. I wonder when she will be heart broken for the first time. Such a sadistic thing to think, but I just hope she never has to have that happen.
Heather then took me to have my favourite food ever. GPK Pizza. It is amazing. My favourite being ‘Saigon’. Tiger Prawns, corriander and cheese and honey soy sauce. Drool…
Heather then left me once we got back home cause I wanted alone time. And have had that since. Apart from dinner where my brother asked me to come eat with them. He disguised his snot amongst a chicken wing and asked me if the chicken skin looked like snot. I shrugged and ate the chicken. I almost threw up when I found out.
So here I am… Alone and scared. But my friend H has told me to keep following the star. I might just do that. Second day at the job tomorrow. Lets see how this goes.
That sucks about you and Neil. It’s weird how things work out sometimes. Good times will return to you though. Hope the second day goes ok.
For this is wrong, if anything is wrong:not to enlarge the freedom of a lovewith all the inner freedom one can summon.We need, in love, to practice only this:letting each other go. For holding oncomes easily; we do not need to learn it.—RILKE
Now this is intense and really emotional to read. I think it is normal to ‘soul search’ and find ‘you’ – mixing your past and present (not so present now). Although it is common to feel heartaches indeed. I think I was in your situation twice where I cried deeply saying farewell. The healing followed afterwards… after more self-blame. 😦
I’m glad you are happier now Lloydy. 🙂
Ha the funny thing is, I havent read this in years and so thanks for highlighting it. SO much has changed and so thankful I went through it all. Thanks!
I think diaries/blogs are sometimes like photos – they capture the moment and provide reflective space to realise how things have changed.
Im getting the feeling that your highs and lows happen when it’s raining.
(play “Rain” by Patty Griffin).
Thanks for sharing your ‘moments’.